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My brother, Jay, and I look nothing alike. And the truth is he’s like a perfect blend of Mom and Dad and me? I just look like too many years of mingling bodily fluids with strange people in my younger years, eating too much movie theater popcorn with extra butter butter flavored crisco colored with yellow #10 and way too many scowling facial expressions that accompany phrases like: “huh?” “what?” “seriously?”

No amount of Oil of Olay can ever erase that collection of wrinkles that brand me right smack dab between the eyebrows. And yes, I’ve tried the natural stuff - mushed avocado, almond puree and honey slathered in that area made me look like an elephant threw up on my face. But then I wipe that avocado stuff off and I can’t just get myself to rinse that goopy green down the drain… I JUST SPENT $1.99 ON THAT AVOCADO. It was only on my face for 15 minutes. Then the thought occurs to me that if this stuff is so good for my face, it should be great fertilizer for the tomato plants in the back. So I’m like running outside with a towel under my face because the honey makes the avocado all runny and stuff and start flicking the avocado/almond/honey fertilizer at the tomato plants. In my bathrobe. And then the neighbor kid comes outside, pretends not to see the crazy lady whose face is melting and quickly darts back into his house.

Huh? Really? Seriously?

The Hotness Lens

Thank goodness for Diane, who makes me look seriously good. She’s got this special thing called the “Hotness and Anti-Hangover Filter” on her camera lens. Every single shot she takes of me turns out pretty damn amazing.

If I could afford to hire Diane full-time, I’d velcro her right to my left hip and make her take photos of me all day long and pretend like I’m some famous person with nothing better to do than strike a pose.

And I’d totally get paid for it.

That photo was taken in Diane’s beautiful garden in Los Angeles. My last trip to LA was a quickie. I got to meet Chef Kerry Simon, Matt of Matt Bites and his huzb, Adam. Here we are, making little shrimp dumpling balls in Diane’s kitchen.

Diane treated us to a massive feast - Vietnamese Summer Rolls and a Lemongrass Shrimp Noodle Soup.

But wait..the hotness continues…

So last week, I eloped with Diane to Mexico for a week of gluttony. Okay, not really, but huzzie’s beginning to think I’m having an affair with her, but that’s okay because that’s what married couples do for each other to keep that excitement going. You do that too, right?

So when my brother, Diane and I were in Ixtapa, Mexico together a couple of weeks ago for Club Med’s Food and Wine festival, I made her bring her video camera and her Hotness Lens.

During our local market excursion, we brought along all of our gear because I totally believe when in a foreign country, you can never have enough journalistic gear. Bad people tend to stay away from raving lunatics with rolling video cameras.

The consequence of toting so much gear is that we didn’t blend in.

We title this “Pickpocketer’s Delight”

Along the way, Diane spent all her money on expensive tequila and Mexican boyfriends.

We got solicited by a TON of men on the streets - all these guys kept whistlin’ at us yelling, “quieres un novio mexicano, amiga?” Which translates to “beautiful princesses, your supreme hotness and magical aura of sensuality totally overwhelms me.”

And so we thought that was so sweet of them and ended up opening that $600 bottle of 1947 tequila and squatted on the street, took off all our clothes and did shots with them all afternoon. Such nice people.

(click photo for a slideshow of 10 step-by-step photos that led up to the money-shot of the Roasted Asparagus with Balsamic Soy Browned  Butter)

My inbox is filled with emails from supporters of the “eating local” movement, urging people to consume food that is grown and produced in their local area. The movement is nothing new, for the past few years I’ve been reading about it in national newspapers, popular food magazines and countless websites. Many of my friends are participating in the challenge of consuming only locally grown foods for the entire month of October. I myself am a big fan of eating local to support our local economy, for a better quality of produce and for taking care of our environment. How many planes, trains and automobiles did that cantaloupe have to hitch a ride on before arriving in my breakfast bowl?

We regularly visit the farmer’s market, the local produce stand and even grow our own vegetables and herbs in the backyard (Don’t be fooled to think that I have a green thumb. I don’t. Growing your own food is easier than you think, but that’s for another column.)

But, sigh. Some days I just don’t have the energy, budget, nor the willpower to be a responsible member of this planet that we live on. Especially when it’s 5:15pm, my kids are hungry, it’s two days until payday and I’m rushing to the supermarket. Oh the drama that plays out in the backseat of the minivan, “MOOOOOMM…we’re staaarrrrvvvvinngg…we need cooooookies and cheese puffs for dinner….MAAMMMMAAAA…puleeeeeeze??”

Quick. Asparagus is on sale. They only take 15 minutes to cook. Will make Roasted Asparagus with Balsamic Soy Browned Butter. Kids will eat ‘em if I smother enough butter on ‘em. But they are from Peru. The little sticker says so. Ahh, crap, who cares. The package goes in the cart and it’s what’s for dinner with a rotisserie chicken.

Well at least the supermarket was kind enough to tell me where my food is coming from. Okay, so I didn’t choose the mushrooms from Myakka, a farming area 20 minutes from me. But to ease my guilt, I imagined feeding a poor little starving child of an asparagus farmer in Peru. The child looks up at me with those cute, gigantic eyes. The widowed farmer smiles at me gratefully and whispers, “Thank you, Jaden for buying my asparagus.” I get a warm, cozy flutter in my heart.

Quickly, I stuff my tiara, cape and halo back into my handbag. Angelina Jolie is like totally my BFF.

YEAH, DO YOU SEE WHERE MY KIDS GET THE DRAMA THING FROM????

I have a feeling I’m going to get some complaint emails from environmentalists, pro eating local people and the mushroom farmer from Myakka that neglected to feed. I welcome and embrace all feedback. But instead of sending me an email, I would like to invite you over to my home, specifically at 5:15pm to babysit my tots while I run out to source my locally grown ingredients. You can lecture me about being a responsible human being all you want.

Could you also run a load of laundry while I cook dinner too?

Roasted Asparagus with Balsamic Browned Soy Browned Recipe

The recipe for Roasted Asparagus with Balsamic Soy Browned Butter is from the Cooking Light The Complete Cookbook, a MASSIVE book weighing in at 4.4lbs with 1,200 recipes, 630 color photographs and a companion DVD. It’s an awesome book that I reach for when I don’t know what to cook. Totally worth every penny.

So I’ve given you the recipe below, straight from the book — but I did make a few changes to the recipe so I’ve highlighted my changes to the recipe in the paragraph below. This way you have both versions.

Roasted Asparagus with Balsamic Soy Browned Butter

Recipe from Cooking Light The Complete Cookbook

Here are the changes that I made to the recipe: Instead of roasting the asparagus in the oven at 400F, I broiled them instead as it saves me time from pre-heating the oven, saves energy and doesn’t get the house all hot. Place the oven rack about 8 inches from the heating element. Toss the asparagus with 1 1/2 tablespoons of olive oil instead of cooking spray as directed in the recipe. Turn on the broiler and broil the asparagus 4 minutes. Rotate the asparagus by shaking the pan or using a spatula. Continue broiling until the asparagus are crisp-tender, about 3 minutes. Continue on with the recipe and top the asparagus with a handful of almonds.

serves 6

2 pounds asparagus spears, trimmed
cooking spray
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon pepper
2 tablespoon butter
2 teaspoons low-sodium soy sauce
1 teaspoon balsamic vinegar

Preheat oven to 400F. Arrange asparagus in a single layer on a baking sheet; coat with cooking spray. Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Bake for 12 minutes or until tender.

Melt butter in a small skillet over medium heat; cook 3 minutes or until lightly browned, shaking pan occasionally. Remove from heat; stir in soy sauce and vinegar. Drizzle over asparagus, tossing well to coat.

===

Other recipes you may enjoy:

For more photos - click on the photo above. I have about 10 more photos in the slideshow.

If I had to choose between driving or being driven, I will always choose being a passenger. But with steering rights and final decision on the destination. Oh and exclusive access to the horn, radio, air conditioner, GPS and windows.

Okay, I admit that I’m a control freak who doesn’t like people to think I’m a control freak, but it’s pretty obvious to anyone within ear-shot, eye-shot or email-shot of me. It’s the reason I’ve never been on an all-inclusive resorts before. The thought of my environment, activities and food choices already planned out and decided for me is just too much for me to handle without some sort of divine intervention or straight jacket.

Sunset and thunderstorms in the horizon…see the rain pouring down?

But an entire summer of writing deadlines really did a number on my stress level and I began looking more and more like Cruella every day, which does absolutely nothing for my sex life and which is why that photo of me right up there is an old one from last year.

It wasn’t a minute after Scott said to me, “honey, you need a vacation,” when (ding!) an email came though, inviting me to Club Med for their Food and Wine Festival in Ixtapa, Mexico. I relented only after being fitted for a straight jacket disguised as a really long, stiff apron and Scott and the kids kissed me good bye.

Within 10 seconds of arriving on the property, I was handed a cool lime spritzer, my luggage was teased out of my white-knuckled hands (That little plane we flew in on? My espresso machine had more horsepower.) and a plastic bracelet was snapped on my left wrist.

THAT BRACELET WAS MAGIC.

It got me all the rum mojitos I could possibly drink, as much food at any time of the day that I wanted, and activities like sailing, kayaking, archery and hammocking. Yes, hammocking is a sporting activity - especially getting in, adjusting and getting out. Have you ever had a hammock wedgie?

Take a boat to the island and have a private lobster dinner on the beach

Six days of relaxing, laughing, wining and dining totally converted me into letting go of control. Anytime I felt that stress meter inch up, I just had to flash my magic bracelet and bam! Pina Coladas! Chips and salsa! Pork tacos! Fluffy towels! Another chocolate éclair?

Twelve award-winning chefs were flown in to conduct cooking demos and mixology classes. Each evening, we indulged in a 4-course tasting menu prepared by the visiting chefs.

The food and wine weeks at Club Med continue through next May at different resorts, and the best part is that participation in the demos and dinners are no additional charge, it’s all part of your stay at the resort. And yes, even though I’ve been back for several days, I’m still wearing my magic bracelet, though when I waved it at the bartender at Carrabba’s, he thought I escaped from the hospital.

Not quite the same effect I was hoping for.

***

Chefs On The Beach…sounds sexy, eh? Would make a great movie I think.

Here they are, in order of appearance:
Chef Jason Zuka, Club Med Ixtapa
Chef Johnny Vinczencz, Johnny V’s Las Olas, Ft. Lauderdale
Chef Russel Cunningham, Agraria, Washington D.C.
Chef Erik Peters, Corporate Chef Club Med
Chef Stefano La Cava, Barton G, Miami
Chef Sean Bernal, Oceanaire Seafood Room, Miami
Chef Tim Grandinetti, Twin City Quarter, Winston/Salem
Chef Fabian Di Paolo, Trump International, Miami
Chef Kurtis Jantz, Trump International, Miami
Chef Matthew Zubrod, Dish Aspen, Aspen
Chef Frank Jeannetti, Jeannetti Catering, Miami
Chef John Black, Club Med Ixtapa
Chef Brian Morales, Fratelli Lyon, Miami

Chef Erik Peters (in chef’s jacket with blue collar) was an amazing host. He’s the corporate chef of 8 Club Med properties and put this entire food and wine event together.

One of the most impressive things about Club Med is their kids program. I cannot wait to bring Nathan and Andrew back to Club Med - they will have a blast.

Massage cabanas overlooking the water

Diane of White on Rice Couple has more photos of the trip (I brought her along with me) and we filmed a bunch of footage that I’ll put together for a video. I’ve got lots more to tell you about the trip, as well as fabulous recipes from these super-star chefs and my new friends, Kim Sunee and Kate of Globerati.com.

Here are more 10 more photos in the slideshow, including one of the lovely Diane!